PS-MAPP Class 1

Summary of Class 1: HOMEWORK

Lots and lots of homework.

I've never answered so many questions about myself in my entire life. Personal Profiles, General Profiles, Single Person Profiles, Personal References, Safety Plans, Floor Plans, Universal Precautions tests and Health Reports. You name it and I have answered it this week. I'm going to chalk this up to my first experience being inundated with foster care related paperwork. I've read a lot this past year about how much paperwork is involved, I'm guessing they just wanted to start us out on the right foot. We also got to read about AIDS prevention, the foster child's bill of rights, the foster parents bill of rights, the birth parents bill of rights, the purpose of foster care, and a case study.

I was sure walking in that I was going to be the only single person in my class, turns out I was wrong. There are 3 other single women in my class. One is in the class to qualify for a subsity to adopt her current foster children and the other two and planning on fostering. I am the only one in my class who does not have children of their own though.

My second class is tonight. I'm interested to see if everyone returns. There was nothing scary or intimidating about our first class unlike what I've read of other peoples experiences.

Here's to jumping in line for the rollercoaster!

"Do you think you'll really be able to make a difference if you're single?"

That's the question I got asked last night. Here's what I wish I would have said:

"Yes. I absolutely do think I have the ability to make a difference, I'm not doing this for fun. There is nothing fun about waking up in the middle of the night with an inconsolable child, there is nothing fun about the temper tantrums that will manifest because of grief and loss, there is nothing fun about explaining to a child that adults shouldn't touch them inappropriately, there is nothing fun about explaining to a child that their parent didn't show up again for a visit, there is nothing fun about cleaning up peed on sheets for the 100th night in a row, there is nothing fun about explaining that drug addiction and alcohol addiction aren't safe and that until mommy/daddy can keep them safe they can't go home but I do think it will all be worth it so see a child heal, to see a family heal, to see Gods grace and mercy in action. I don't think I have all the answers or all the skills I will ever need and for that I am greatful that Gods power is made perfect in weakness. I do think I will make mistakes, I don't think I will make all the right decisions. I don't think being married would change any of that. I am aware it will be harder to do it on my own BUT I do have love, a home that is safe, and an unwavering commitment to what I'm about to do, and YES I do think that is enough to make a difference."

Have you ever been asked this question? What was your response?

Application Approved

I received an email confirmation today telling me my application and background checks have cleared and to call to schedule one of three available PSMAPP classes. In the hour between when I received the email and called the coordinator the first available class filled up. Apparently foster care is popular around here. So October 20th it is, unless they decide to open another class between now and then. Here's to 6 more months of waiting!

It finally happened...

I have read many foster care blog posts that talk about people who say "oh that's such an amazing thing to do but I would just be devestated to let them go..." in response to news that you're fostering. Until yesterday no one had responded to me that way. Maybe it's because my family knows better, or maybe they thought it but never said it, yesterday, however, I was talking with a DHS representative and she asked why I had chosen to register my daycare. My response was "I'm in the process of registering to be a foster parent and it's a requirement that all inhome daycares be state registered." To which she dropped the inevitable line. I honestly didn't think it would affect me until after I had had a foster child leave my home but I was wrong. As soon as she finished her statement I smiled at her but on the inside I was offended. I do plan on it being hard when children leave my home, I plan on loving them as much as she was insinuating she would. It doesn't make me less of a person for choosing to make the hard decision to walk this journey. I'm well aware that it's going to take me to places I never wanted to go, to have conversations no one should have to have with a small child, and to see the kinds of evil I would rather pretend don't actually exist. But the alternative is not being positive that the children I will love would've been safe and cared for during their time in this system. The sad truth is that there are bad foster parents just like there are bad birth parents. There are people who foster for alterior motives, but if everyone who has a heart that is able to love a child that isn't their own choses not to foster because they are afraid of heart break, it allows an already broken system to be catastrophic to its innocent victims. It leaves children to only see the evil we as adults choose to ignore. It removes all hope of improving our society or breaking bad life cycles. It would produce more horrific news stories for us to shake our heads at and exclaim "what is the world coming to?" It's coming to a place where personal convienence has become more important than improving the life of a child. I'm sorry fostering would break your heart, I'm not sorry your heartbreak would make a world of difference in a child's life.

Reality

I've been talking to anyone and everyone in my life about doing foster care for the last 7 months. At first it was awkward for me to bring up but the more I discussed it with my family and friends the more natural it became. I thought I had fully grasped the reality of the journey ahead of me, until last Wednesday when I was standing there with my application in hand waiting for the guy behind the counter to stamp it for me. All of a sudden this journey that I have been talking about for so long really became real. It's something I'm actually doing not just talking about. The probability that my life will not look the same as it does today by winter is high; the excitement that had felt up until that moment was still there but now it's paired with a healthy amount of fear. Here's to walking into the unknown, eyes wide open.

The Process of Preparing

The process of preparing for you, little one, is daunting. I haven't even started foster care classes yet and already I'm making my way through lists of things I have to do. Part of that is my fault, a year ago I started remodeling this house, but the thought of you hadn't entered my mind yet, so there are things that need done differently before a home visit. Financially preparing for you is something else entirely. For the first time I have to provide for another human being, and in my head I keep thinking what if you never leave? Am I really ready for that? I will be, it is just going to take a few months. I know that you will be part of Gods plan for my life, as I am part of yours, so wether you stay for a night or for the rest of your life God will provide what we need in each moment. Emotionally I'm not prepared, and I'm not sure I ever will be. I expect this journey to be hard, I expect to want to give up at times, but I can't prepare for the unexpected. This process isn't natural, it's man-made, so it's bound to have flaws. I don't think you can see all the flaws until you're in the midst of them, so I'll take a deep breath for now and allow myself to embrace the unknowns as they come.

Dear Little One

I’m a planner by nature. I like to be prepared for things. Today I did something that I probably should have waited on. I bought you clothes. As I held the pile of clothes in my arm it felt so weird not to know who you are. What size will you wear when you arrive? Will it be summer? Winter? Will you stay for a week? A year? As I picked out each article I began to daydream about the child that would fill it. Are you a girl or a boy? Will you like pink flowers? Will I have an occasion for you to wear this polo? Will I meet you soon? There are so MANY questions that I have about this process, about my abilities, but mostly little one I just want to know about YOU. I pray that someday you will understand that the God of the universe has a plan and that plan includes me being your mama through this season of your life. I pray that even though you will feel broken and out of place in my home that someday you will see that these walls were made for you to live in. I know I will make mistakes being your foster mom, but God chose me and God chose you. And that same God created the mountains, the ocean, and all the stars in the night sky and He doesn’t make mistakes. This time we will share was meant to be. God will love you when we all fail you. God will make up for my inadequacy and your parents inadequacies. I’m sorry we have failed you, I’m sorry that this will not be the last time any of us fail you, but God is bigger than all of our failures, He can fix me, He can fix your mom, He can fix your dad, and little one, He will heal you. “For I know the plans I have for you” Declares the Lord “Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11 I have clung to that verse my entire life and today I pray that you will do the same. KNOW that God loves you little one. KNOW that there is NOTHING you can do that will force Him to turn His back on you. KNOW that He wants a relationship with you. KNOW that no matter how far you run or how well you hide or how hard you try to push him away, He sees you and He’s calling out to you. He called me to love you, and love you I will!